April 9 - Into the Maze
They just don't seem to know what they're getting into. Maybe they don't care,
but they should. I'm referring to young men who are coming to prison.
I've been locked up for more than thirty years. So I hail from a different generation.
Yet here they come. The routine never changes. Every few weeks a fresh shipment of men enter the facility as those who've
been here for awhile transfer on. Faithfully, a bus will arrive and out of it will stumble a new crop of swashbuckling, hip-hopping,
head-bobbing wannabe tough guys who have thrown away their lives. However they just haven't realized it yet, but in time they
will. For the moment, though, they don't have a clue that the choices each one has made have now embarked them on a journey
which will result in many wasted years - years that should have been their most productive.
I see their faces. Fresh looking yet painted with a false bravado, and bodies
with plenty of tattoos, too. Most are first-timers in the system. But these usually have a criminal record for prior but lesser
offenses. It's the same self-destructive pattern. Start small, end big. It's the classic rising in the ranks from juvenile
court and a short stay at a youth facility, to the ultimate promotion - a sentence to the state's prison system.
Of course older men arrive as well. Some of them are repeaters who've returned
on a new sentence, or they have violated parole. In here, it seems, there is always room for more. The authorities will find
the space. No convict will be turned away because the facility is full. Of this we can be sure.
It's a maze they've gotten themselves trapped in, and a big mess as well. After
all, prison is a place for flops and lawbreakers. It's the truth. This isn't Yale or Harvard. It is the House of Pain. Yet,
conversely, it is also a place for contemplation and reflection. In here a man can, if he is ready, face his demons and confront
the truth about himself. But, like the crime he committed to bring him here, it too is a choice.
Yes, facing oneself. It happens. In the process of time many prisoners awaken
to their situation. The realization comes that they're locked away from their families, and from society. Regret enters the
scene, remorse and guilt for the crime, as well as self-loathing and a deep and growing hatred for what he has done. I know.
This was and is me. And when a man is at this stage he is ripe for repentance. Because honest self-examination, while painful,
can result in change. A man becomes sick of who he is and how he has lived his life. He comes to the end of himself, really.
Then, at this point, deep in his heart, he knows he's through with the criminal lifestyle. This is a good thing. And, if anything,
this is the better part of prison. A man admits his wrongs, is sorry for his actions, and he is now ready for a new beginning.
Still there is a bad side to prison, and I hope to write about it tomorrow. For
not all of these men want to change for the better. Not all have remorse for their crimes. Some give up and they get worse.
The fact is, that in a majority of cases, a man who is doing time is eventually going to one day be released. Yes, some
will die in prison. While serving out their respective terms there will be men who die of natural causes like old age or sickness,
or by other ways such as violence and suicide. Nevertheless, at some point, be it five, ten, fifteen, twenty or more years
a man will get his chance to walk out of a correctional facility to rejoin society.
Therefore, the twofold question I want to pose is:
"Is he going to come out of prison a better or a worse person?" Because,
as an old-timer who has spent several decades behind the walls, I know that prison is too much of an overpowering environment
for a man to come here, spend years here, and leave the same as when he first arrived. My belief is that he will change in
one way or the other. There is no neutral ground.
As I wrote in yesterday's entry, the better part of prison is when an inmate, at some point of his incarceration, enters
a period of self-examination and reflection, leading to positive change. Whereas, at the opposite end of the spectrum, other
prisoners become increasingly bitter. They've lost everything that was dear to them, which, of course, is one of the prices
of engaging in criminal activity. And often these personal losses are permanent. All that's left for him are fading family
photos and fading memories. Then, with all this comes the anger. And such anger can be directed outward, inward, or both.
It's mostly both. It's always dangerous.
Unfortunately, some prisoners are in a state of continual denial. They accept no responsibility for their actions (assuming
they're really guilty; not all inmates are). They refuse to bow their hearts and minds to the truth, and they try to escape
their inner pain through such mundane activities as spending as many hours as possible playing sports, watching television,
card playing, or hanging out in the recreation yard with their homeboys. In the yard they'll kill the time chatting with their
homeboys and bragging about past exploits, be they real or imagined. This is all part of the unconscious game of pain reduction
and denial. You could call it trying to deaden one's ever-speaking conscience. It's also the path of least resistance because,
when a man admits his wrongs and seeks to change for the better, this requires hard work. It's an uphill climb.
Frankly, as for prison officials, they could not care less which road a man chooses to take, whether it is one of self-betterment
or time wasting, just as long as a man keeps his mouth shut and stays out of trouble. For prison officials, they have a body
that's been placed into their charge, and nothing more. Their main job is to keep felons confined, and occupied, and reasonably
healthy. It's not their job to save souls or to make convicts into saints.
But, for the prisoner, like everything else in life, he has choices to make. Thankfully, some men become repentant and
remorseful, and with God's help they want to change for the better. This is good, and there are indeed genuine transformations
that occur. To me, this is what prison should be about beyond the basic purpose of punishment.
while, on the negative side, the harshness and overall hardship of incarceration, with all its personal and psychological
pains, and even various spiritual factors, all converge together to cause some prisoners to give up and surrender to the vilest
of impulses. They've lost all hope, and they seethe with a quiet, and sometimes not so quiet, rage. Sadly, they've become
the proverbial "walking time bombs." They can be diffused by the power of God, I believe. But they don't want divine help.
As I said at the start of this entry, men doing time in prison either change for the better, or the worse. It's a fact
of life. And, from my vantage point from within this maze called prison, I am able to watch each human drama as it unfolds.
I'm a part of it, too.
Don't Give Up!
Therefore, if any man be in Christ,
he is a new creature: old things are
passed away; behold,
are become new.
II Corinthians 5:17
To you who are incarcerated, and to anyone who is reading
this message, I greet you in Jesus' wonderful name. Thank you for the opportunity to give a shout out for the Lord. Like you,
I am in prison. I've been locked up for 32 years. It hasn't been an easy road, not even as a Christian. I've been a believer
in Christ for twenty-two years. And while I have my day-to-day challenges, facing these giants with Jesus on my side assures
me the victory. For as the Bible boldly proclaims, I am "more than a conqueror" through Jesus Christ who loves me (Romans
In fact, after all these years, I am now beginning to better comprehend the truth of this Scripture verse. As it is one
thing to simply quote a particular passage from the Bible, but it is something altogether different when a man believes it
without any doubt.
And with this said, I want to encourage you to keep your eyes on Jesus. In my years of imprisonment I have seen both the
good and the bad. I've witnessed lots of evil. It's all around me. But I have also seen God doing many good and amazing things
in the lives of my brothers in Christ, many of whom are "lifers."
I am seeing that nothing it too hard for the Lord (Jeremiah 32:27). Furthermore, where sin abounds (as it most surely does
behind the walls), grace abounds all the more. As it says in one translation, "Where sin fills up, grace overflows the more
(Romans 5:20, The Berkeley Version)." So no matter what you're facing right now, God loves you. He will never stop loving
you. And He is with you even when you don't feel Him.
Friends, I can say from experience, that we who are locked up have to deal with levels of hurt, pain and disappointment
that, unless someone has done prison time, he won't understand it. He cannot relate to some of the things you're going through.
Truly there are days when I have a deep anguish and an inner pain that is so acute, I cannot put it into words. You know what
I'm talking about - feelings of guilt as well as crushing loneliness, thoughts of being a failure in the eyes of my family,
as well as in the eyes of society, then comes the depression and despair because I miss my loved ones. The list goes on.
For those of you who have children, it's even harder. It hurts knowing your children are growing up without you, and that
you cannot be with them. And some of you have lost custody of your kids. You don't even know where they are, or if, after
a number of years, they will even remember you. And this tremendous sense of grief and loss is made even worse because, as
men who have broken the law, we know that all our pain is self-inflicted. We didn't have to come here.
Yet through faith in Jesus Christ we can overcome all these negative things. We can be free of condemnation, and by His
grace and the indwelling power of the Holy Spirit, we can, even now, be living in the "newness of life."
Yes, Jesus can make our lives brand new, if we will allow Him to. From the moment we repent of our sins and placed our
faith in Him, this process has already begun. But now we are to walk in this freedom and liberty.
Of course these changes may be subtle, at first. But they are real, nonetheless. God can turn things around. So keep your
hope in the Lord. Trust in Him even when fierce personal storms come your way. For I know the Lord will give you the strength
Brothers, you're in my prayers. Jesus is with us. He is close to the brokenhearted. He hears your cries, and the Lord will
not reject you. Therefore do not despair. Don't give up! As it says in Psalm 62:5, "My soul, wait thou only upon God; for
my expectation is from Him."
God bless you
Your brother in Hope,